a month

come this sunday, it will be a month since you left.  with each day, it seems to become harder and harder to overcome.  i still have not come to terms that you are not here.  i'm not sure i ever will.  i hope you are here with me.  could you let me know if you are?  i sit in your chair waiting for you to come in and say "move it".  but you don't.  

letter to daddy

daddy

i knew one day i would have to face the fact that your body would be leaving this world and that i would be walking without you, but so soon? i am trying to be strong.  honest daddy i am, but it is just so unbelievably hard. i know you fought hard, but in the end your body was just so tired. mommy knew.  you two had this bond.  as you both have always said, you are soul mates. i know you are watching over mom now and i hope you don't stop.  she does not say it, but she's scared about being alone.  just don't keep her up too much at night.  i have this constant feeling of hollowness.  i don't know how to make it go away or how i should feel about it.  it just not fair.  you knew, didn't you.  you knew you were going to be leaving.  i told you it was okay but daddy it wasn't.  i lied.  i want more time i want you back.  i'm screaming and giving the middle finger....fuck you!  fuck you you mother fucking caner.  fuck you!

you are my first prince charming. now that you are gone, how will the men in my life ever know or understand the charm you have over people.  hear your corky jokes.  experience your crazy stories.  you never had the chance to walk me down the aisle to my future.  the one thing a girl looks forward to and i denied you that.  my heart is in a million pieces and it will never be the same.  tears stain my face as i write and yes my bottom lip is sticking out.

i just want to hear you say, "love you baby" because daddy, i love you more.  

daddy

well it's been a long time.  i know i know.  sooooo much has been going on in my life, i just don't know where to start.  i guess i'll start at the beginning.....

i landed a new job.  that's right.  back in may i started with a new company which allows me to work monday through friday.  NO WEEKENDS AND NO HOLIDAYS.  i haven't had that in such a long time.  i thought..."how could i get so lucky?"..well my luck changed.  six weeks after started said new job, the company had a revamp in management.  i was offered a job overseeing charter schools within the philadelphia area.  AND I LOVE IT.  i make up my own schedule persay.  today i was working from home for the very first time and how nice was it to take a break and actually take a nap.  hee hee...don't tell my boss.  i love seeing the kids and making their days a little brighter.

then the worse thing i could think of happened....a family member becomes ill.  this is not just the run of the mill sickness, take a few pills and call me in the morning.  no this is the big "C" word.  i still have trouble saying it. can...yeah I can't say it.  i'm afraid that if i say it...that it will become real.  the sad part is, it is real.  my father has cancer.  cancer.  cancer.  amazing how six letters placed in a specific way can change your life forever.  i have so many emotions running through me on any given day it's amazing.  sadness, loneliness, guilt, pitty, anger, rage, helplessness, scared and most of all heartbroken.  i'm to the point that i'm not certain what to say when others approach me and ask how i am.  all i can say if fine, but that is far from the truth.  this is my daddy.  he's my rock.  i need him even at the age of 36.  i just want to run away and escape from reality...forget any of this is happening.  i feel i cannot enjoy life since he cannot enjoy life..

my daddy has cancer

why

i ask myself this all the time.  why i put myself out there.  give myself to others.  hurt like i do.  once again i have my heart broken.  i guess it's really not my heart, but my desire and hope that is broken.  will it ever become easier?  i don't feel it does with age, it hurts more now then it did 15 years ago.  do you ever wonder if it is ever in the cards for you.  maybe you are not meant to be.  i just have this open hole and i need it filled, but cannot seem to find the person to fill it.

what more can a girl ask for

you have those days where you feel like you are not appreciated.  feel like you are just another face in the crowd.  this past weekend i did not feel like a face in the crowd.  this past weekend i felt truly love and blessed.  

this past weekend i thew a house warming party.  just a little get together for my friends and family to see my new diggs and an excuse for us all to get together since we all have been so busy.  one by one my guest were welcomed in to my home with open arms.

to my surprised they filled my heart with love and hands with gifts.  gifts???  yes gifts.  hosting this party i never imagine anyone would be coming in tow with a gift for my home.

needless to say..i'm am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. so it was no surprised to anyone to see the gratitude i had 

what i did to deserve any of this is beyond me.  

but i'm truly blessed

home

i'm sooo bad.  life has been whipping by me before i have time to wipe the dirty off of my face.  i've been trying to get settled into the new home.

it has been sooo overwhelming, but a good overwhelming.  i've been able to get some things done

but i love being a home owner.

a home of my own

as of 10/22/2010 i am officially a home owner.  i can't explain all the emotions that went into this purchase. it has been a long time coming.  after settlement i was driving and crying thinking how blessed i am to have this opportunity to own a home where so many in this country cannot even imagine it.  truly i am blessed.  i have fantastic parents who have been right there beside my side during the time.  my supportive friends who i don't know what i would do without them.  

i'm ready to make many memories in my new home