a month

come this sunday, it will be a month since you left.  with each day, it seems to become harder and harder to overcome.  i still have not come to terms that you are not here.  i'm not sure i ever will.  i hope you are here with me.  could you let me know if you are?  i sit in your chair waiting for you to come in and say "move it".  but you don't.  

letter to daddy

daddy

i knew one day i would have to face the fact that your body would be leaving this world and that i would be walking without you, but so soon? i am trying to be strong.  honest daddy i am, but it is just so unbelievably hard. i know you fought hard, but in the end your body was just so tired. mommy knew.  you two had this bond.  as you both have always said, you are soul mates. i know you are watching over mom now and i hope you don't stop.  she does not say it, but she's scared about being alone.  just don't keep her up too much at night.  i have this constant feeling of hollowness.  i don't know how to make it go away or how i should feel about it.  it just not fair.  you knew, didn't you.  you knew you were going to be leaving.  i told you it was okay but daddy it wasn't.  i lied.  i want more time i want you back.  i'm screaming and giving the middle finger....fuck you!  fuck you you mother fucking caner.  fuck you!

you are my first prince charming. now that you are gone, how will the men in my life ever know or understand the charm you have over people.  hear your corky jokes.  experience your crazy stories.  you never had the chance to walk me down the aisle to my future.  the one thing a girl looks forward to and i denied you that.  my heart is in a million pieces and it will never be the same.  tears stain my face as i write and yes my bottom lip is sticking out.

i just want to hear you say, "love you baby" because daddy, i love you more.  

daddy

well it's been a long time.  i know i know.  sooooo much has been going on in my life, i just don't know where to start.  i guess i'll start at the beginning.....

i landed a new job.  that's right.  back in may i started with a new company which allows me to work monday through friday.  NO WEEKENDS AND NO HOLIDAYS.  i haven't had that in such a long time.  i thought..."how could i get so lucky?"..well my luck changed.  six weeks after started said new job, the company had a revamp in management.  i was offered a job overseeing charter schools within the philadelphia area.  AND I LOVE IT.  i make up my own schedule persay.  today i was working from home for the very first time and how nice was it to take a break and actually take a nap.  hee hee...don't tell my boss.  i love seeing the kids and making their days a little brighter.

then the worse thing i could think of happened....a family member becomes ill.  this is not just the run of the mill sickness, take a few pills and call me in the morning.  no this is the big "C" word.  i still have trouble saying it. can...yeah I can't say it.  i'm afraid that if i say it...that it will become real.  the sad part is, it is real.  my father has cancer.  cancer.  cancer.  amazing how six letters placed in a specific way can change your life forever.  i have so many emotions running through me on any given day it's amazing.  sadness, loneliness, guilt, pitty, anger, rage, helplessness, scared and most of all heartbroken.  i'm to the point that i'm not certain what to say when others approach me and ask how i am.  all i can say if fine, but that is far from the truth.  this is my daddy.  he's my rock.  i need him even at the age of 36.  i just want to run away and escape from reality...forget any of this is happening.  i feel i cannot enjoy life since he cannot enjoy life..

my daddy has cancer

why

i ask myself this all the time.  why i put myself out there.  give myself to others.  hurt like i do.  once again i have my heart broken.  i guess it's really not my heart, but my desire and hope that is broken.  will it ever become easier?  i don't feel it does with age, it hurts more now then it did 15 years ago.  do you ever wonder if it is ever in the cards for you.  maybe you are not meant to be.  i just have this open hole and i need it filled, but cannot seem to find the person to fill it.

what more can a girl ask for

you have those days where you feel like you are not appreciated.  feel like you are just another face in the crowd.  this past weekend i did not feel like a face in the crowd.  this past weekend i felt truly love and blessed.  

this past weekend i thew a house warming party.  just a little get together for my friends and family to see my new diggs and an excuse for us all to get together since we all have been so busy.  one by one my guest were welcomed in to my home with open arms.

to my surprised they filled my heart with love and hands with gifts.  gifts???  yes gifts.  hosting this party i never imagine anyone would be coming in tow with a gift for my home.

needless to say..i'm am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. so it was no surprised to anyone to see the gratitude i had 

what i did to deserve any of this is beyond me.  

but i'm truly blessed

home

i'm sooo bad.  life has been whipping by me before i have time to wipe the dirty off of my face.  i've been trying to get settled into the new home.

it has been sooo overwhelming, but a good overwhelming.  i've been able to get some things done

but i love being a home owner.

a home of my own

as of 10/22/2010 i am officially a home owner.  i can't explain all the emotions that went into this purchase. it has been a long time coming.  after settlement i was driving and crying thinking how blessed i am to have this opportunity to own a home where so many in this country cannot even imagine it.  truly i am blessed.  i have fantastic parents who have been right there beside my side during the time.  my supportive friends who i don't know what i would do without them.  

i'm ready to make many memories in my new home

sorry sorry sorry

i have been m.i.a.  i have to say i've had a busy couple of months.  i am happy to announce that come 10/22 i will be a first time home owner.  that still sounds so strange.  a home owner.  reality hasn't sunk in as of yet.  i haven't started freaking out yet.  ask me come december when i have to make my first mortgage  payment.  (i'm grinning while typing mortgage payment).

i have to say that i have the most amazing parents that any child could have.  they truly do help make my dreams come true.  that have been by my side all through this process and i don't know what i would have done without them.  i hope that i am even half of a parent as they are.  they do not believe that parenting ends when a child turns 18.  the funny thing is...my house is about four houses away from my parents.  i've starting listing ground rules down for my father.  1) no late night walks  2) don't ask who's car is in my driveway 3) don't ask why that car from last night is still in my driveway come the morning 4) no binoculars 5) if another car is in my driveway...its safe to assume i'm not alone 6) my days off are for sleeping in...no coming over to tinker in my yard prior to 10am.  we'll see how these rules work.

i also have to say that i have the most amazing realtor.  i can't believe how lucky i am to have this person.  if anyone is in search of a home in south jersey...let me recommend this lady.  she is amazing.  she follows up with me to make sure i'm comfortable with everything.  she was so understanding during my hunt and never once pressured me into a home or added her opinion unlike others that i have used.  simply simply amazing.  all i have left to find in my life is a companion.

i have to laugh when i think of the movie "he's just not into you"  yeah that's my life and i have to remind myself that each day.  one day.  i know one day.

i feel so deflated at this moment.  when i think everything is going well, something comes up to pop my bubble.  i feel like i can never get a head.

I'm soooo excited

this weekend i'll be seeing my brother from another mother.  let me tell you about this guy.  he is the most romantic, caring, honest, funny, handsome guy i know.  i haven't seen him in such a long time.  he is now a father of two and is married to his high school sweetheart.  i'm bursting with excitement i just can't wait.

such a sad day

today, several of my dear friends lost their father to cancer.  i didn't know their father as well, but have became close to his children.  he's a father of eight children who all have such unique personalities.  two are in law enforcement, one is a marine, two are in healthcare, another in child care and two, i'm not sure what they do.

his one daughter is set to get married in less then three weeks.  i can't imagine her emotions right now.  i know she, as well as the rest of the family, is relieved that he is out of pain.  on the other hand, every girl dreams of her father walking her down the isle.  i know this is one dream of mine.  call me old fashion.  i've been thinking of my own parents and what i would do if i wasn't able to talk to one of them in person anymore.  i seriously would have to be committed.  maybe not for long, but for a short bit.  i have made them my life as others would make their spouse or children theirs.  i haven't found the loml nor do i have children.

a few years back i had my scare with my own father.  he had a small stroke.  it scared the bejesus out of me.  not knowing what was happening.  how he would be.  i was soooo scared to think my father would not be the same.  he came through it as well as one can.  no real side effects.  i still think his memory is not as well as it once was, but that could also be of old age.

life is so precious and we make the best out of it.  the following picture was actually taken today not knowing that my friends father was going to pass.  the man below allows me to be the woman i am today and i am eternally grateful for that.

my poppy and i

the new job

so on the 16th of this month, i started a new job.  same field...different company.  so far i am really enjoying the people i work with.  it's a lot less stress for me which i think i need at this point in my life.  there is soooooooo much i am trying to accomplish in my life to feel like an adult.  when i mentioned this to my doctor, she asked what those goals where.  they are as followed.....

1. get a new job (check)
2. purchase my first home (banging my head against the wall on this one)
3. find the love of my life (banging my head even harder against the wall on this one)

i guess part of me is waiting for the switch from young adult to mature adult to flip.  i guess it doesn't help that i'm googling over a 23 year old.  not that he acts childish, but i'm sure others cringe at this thought that this thirty coughfivecough is interested in this young man.  who the eff cares.  he is simply adorable and funny and sexy.  i'm sure he knows i'm crushing on him, but i'm toooooo scared to ask if he knows.

i'm sure my doctor wanted to add a number four to my list which would be to lose weight.  i whole heartily agree with her, but cannot find my motivation.  i think feel it, but it's not quite there.  if i could lost just twenty pounds right now i know i can continue to lose more.  i need someone to help me.  i admit it...i need help.  

i am torn

i am torn between what is right, what is socially acceptable and how i feel.  i am smitten with this young man who happens to be just that...young.  he's 12 years my junior and at times i can hear that song mrs. robinson playing in my head.  granted i don't know what or how he thinks of me, but i find myself thinking of him.  granted we are in two different places in our lives, but there is not that large of a gap.


oh what to do

if you really knew me

so my girl brittany had done this and i thought it would be fun....

if you really knew me...

*you would know that i was born in jersey but grew up in iowa.


*you would know that i feel like i've past the loml


*you would know that i look innocent, but really am not


*you would know that i will never live on a second floor of an apartment building


*you would know i love my friends as much as i love my family


*you would know that i'm secretly lonely


*you would know that i feel like the peacekeeper of my family


*you would know that i have a secret crush on a boy 12 years my junior


*you would know that i'm slipping away from my oldest friend


*you would know that i desperately want children

i give up

i cannot understand men.

is there

someone for everyone??  i'm starting to question this.  also is age really important?  how did life become so complicated.  i want answer and i want them now.  i want to see into the future.  is it bright for me.  am i happy.  i realize that these are answers only i can answer or never will know the answer to.  i just want to know.  is that wrong.  if these questions do not have the answers i'm looking for i want to change it so that they will be.  i want to know the feeling of being in love.  to love and to be loved.

i quit

so on monday of this week, i submitted my resignation.  this has been a long time coming.  i've mentioned from time to time how i work for a shitty ass company.  really i do.  so when my coo asked to speak with me on monday, i really was thinking it would be more of getting to know whats been wrong and how they can fix it.  how wrong i was.

i sat in this meeting for an hour and half leaving with me shaking my head.  i explained to my coo how disappointed i was in the company.  how for three months i worked with one day off a week and to even get that day off, i had to find someone to cover for me.  i explained how i had placed my life on hold for this company, not able to make plans within my personal life since i never knew when i would have a day off.  work for a company for two and half years with no performance review or increase.  in turn i was told how i was an inexperience manager, over my head and was the reason of losing a contract.  WOW really????  then in the next breath this person would tell me how she hasn't had a problem with my account and doesn't want to lose me as a manager.

i just know that i am leaving with my head held high.  knowing that i WAS/AM an experience, talented, dedicated, ambitious, driven, hard working, fair manager.  don't you dare, ms coo, think you can beat me down cause what you just did was built me up to laugh as you lose another account due to me...from leaving.

do you believe?

if you could speak with a family member/friend/lover that has passed..who would it be?  do you believe in mediums???

at first i had my doubts of mediums and their skills.....that was until this evening.  my cousin had a medium over her house this evening who channeled our grandmother.  my cuz called me this evening to tell me that our grandmother was asking for me.  i can't tell you how this send shivers down my spine.  this is the grandmother who i was not close to.  i've always had this feeling that she disliked me and how if i had the chance to speak with anyone that had passed, it would be her.  of course this would be something normal a grandmother would do, but then the story gets even more interesting.  she had mentioned my mother.  the medium called my mother by her "nickname" then her full name.  he stated that my grandmother knew my mother was the one and how she's worried about my mother's headaches and stress.  many in my family does not know this (not even my sister) that my father was married once before.  it was a very short marriage.  along with that, two hours prior to my cuz calling me, i was arguing with my mother regarding meds her doctor gave her regarding her stress.  my mother just found out today that she will be going to 12 hour shifts and stated how she's stressing about it.  i don't know if this is coincidence or not, but it sure does make me believe that my grandmother is around as well as others.  and what put the icing on the cake...the medium repeated a common phrase my grandmother would say. if we were about to go somewhere she would always say"i'm coming i'm coming i just need to put my shoes on".

have you ever made a dicision and just know it's for the best.  that's how i feel.  come the 16th of this month, i will be starting a new job.  i'm very excited for several reasons....

1. it will give me more of a life
2. better pay
3. better benefits
4. less responsiblity

i'm sooo very excited and i hope that this will be the best thing for me

so its the end has come

after two and a half years, i have decided to leave my current company.  this is a good thing.  a real good thing.  this last year and a half i have been under utilized as a manager, employee and as a person.  i have been used and abused.  its time for nanners to think of nanners.  i'm excited to start my new adventure.