i feel so deflated at this moment.  when i think everything is going well, something comes up to pop my bubble.  i feel like i can never get a head.

I'm soooo excited

this weekend i'll be seeing my brother from another mother.  let me tell you about this guy.  he is the most romantic, caring, honest, funny, handsome guy i know.  i haven't seen him in such a long time.  he is now a father of two and is married to his high school sweetheart.  i'm bursting with excitement i just can't wait.

such a sad day

today, several of my dear friends lost their father to cancer.  i didn't know their father as well, but have became close to his children.  he's a father of eight children who all have such unique personalities.  two are in law enforcement, one is a marine, two are in healthcare, another in child care and two, i'm not sure what they do.

his one daughter is set to get married in less then three weeks.  i can't imagine her emotions right now.  i know she, as well as the rest of the family, is relieved that he is out of pain.  on the other hand, every girl dreams of her father walking her down the isle.  i know this is one dream of mine.  call me old fashion.  i've been thinking of my own parents and what i would do if i wasn't able to talk to one of them in person anymore.  i seriously would have to be committed.  maybe not for long, but for a short bit.  i have made them my life as others would make their spouse or children theirs.  i haven't found the loml nor do i have children.

a few years back i had my scare with my own father.  he had a small stroke.  it scared the bejesus out of me.  not knowing what was happening.  how he would be.  i was soooo scared to think my father would not be the same.  he came through it as well as one can.  no real side effects.  i still think his memory is not as well as it once was, but that could also be of old age.

life is so precious and we make the best out of it.  the following picture was actually taken today not knowing that my friends father was going to pass.  the man below allows me to be the woman i am today and i am eternally grateful for that.

my poppy and i

the new job

so on the 16th of this month, i started a new job.  same field...different company.  so far i am really enjoying the people i work with.  it's a lot less stress for me which i think i need at this point in my life.  there is soooooooo much i am trying to accomplish in my life to feel like an adult.  when i mentioned this to my doctor, she asked what those goals where.  they are as followed.....

1. get a new job (check)
2. purchase my first home (banging my head against the wall on this one)
3. find the love of my life (banging my head even harder against the wall on this one)

i guess part of me is waiting for the switch from young adult to mature adult to flip.  i guess it doesn't help that i'm googling over a 23 year old.  not that he acts childish, but i'm sure others cringe at this thought that this thirty coughfivecough is interested in this young man.  who the eff cares.  he is simply adorable and funny and sexy.  i'm sure he knows i'm crushing on him, but i'm toooooo scared to ask if he knows.

i'm sure my doctor wanted to add a number four to my list which would be to lose weight.  i whole heartily agree with her, but cannot find my motivation.  i think feel it, but it's not quite there.  if i could lost just twenty pounds right now i know i can continue to lose more.  i need someone to help me.  i admit it...i need help.  

i am torn

i am torn between what is right, what is socially acceptable and how i feel.  i am smitten with this young man who happens to be just that...young.  he's 12 years my junior and at times i can hear that song mrs. robinson playing in my head.  granted i don't know what or how he thinks of me, but i find myself thinking of him.  granted we are in two different places in our lives, but there is not that large of a gap.


oh what to do

if you really knew me

so my girl brittany had done this and i thought it would be fun....

if you really knew me...

*you would know that i was born in jersey but grew up in iowa.


*you would know that i feel like i've past the loml


*you would know that i look innocent, but really am not


*you would know that i will never live on a second floor of an apartment building


*you would know i love my friends as much as i love my family


*you would know that i'm secretly lonely


*you would know that i feel like the peacekeeper of my family


*you would know that i have a secret crush on a boy 12 years my junior


*you would know that i'm slipping away from my oldest friend


*you would know that i desperately want children

i give up

i cannot understand men.