do you ever feel like the world is closing in on you.  finding your emotions are like splatter paint...all over the place.  that's how i'm feeling right this moment.  i just want to crawl up under my covers and sleep for days on end.  do not want anyone to visit me, talk to me, email me...nothing. 

lately all i can say is how i'm terrible tired.  this can't be right.  i wake up in the morning and tell my self "self...today is going to be a good day" and then i run into people. moody people that say something that just gets under your skin.  irritate me to the point where i can imagine my arm lifting from my side, winding up to gain momentum to bitch slap the person across the face.  only in a perfect world (sigh).  it's that or either cry my eyes out in frustration. 

it's a never ending battle that i fight on a daily, weekly, month, yearly basis. 

getting to know me...round 2

it's sunday and time for another round of "getting to know you" by mannland
1. Have you ever snooped around someone else's house?
2. Can guys and girls be friends?
3. Can you curl your tongue?
4. Have you ever stolen anything?
5. Would you rather talk on the phone or text?
6. Memorial Day plans?
7. What do you do to relax?
8. Do you do anything to honor those that have died fighting for our freedom?

have we forgotten

what the true meaning of memorial day is.  to some it's a time away from work, a trip down to the shore, time to be with family or simply a time to have fun.  i hope we all take time to reflect on the lives that have been lost to serve and protect our country.  think of the families that gave us these proud men and women.  i myself, never though of joining the military.  simply put, i was not brave enough.  i thank all that were brave enough to grant me the freedom i have. 

and the hits keep on coming

so today has been a roller coaster of a day.  this morning we got up early to take my mother to the hospital where she had a cardiac cauterisation done.  if you are not sure what this is, it is when they insert a thin tube in a artery from your groin to your heart and then have some dye highlight your heart to make sure it's not blocked.  my mother has been suffering from shortness of breath and fatigue for some time now.  it was emotional up to the time we got her results.  all in all...there is no blockage WHICH IS GREAT NEWS!!!!  i know that you all don't know me personally.  i tend to have a witty sense of humor.  so all this morning i was teasing my mother about not getting the brazilian wax done (even apologize to the dr) as well as stating to my mother how it's important to meet the men who will be seeing her vajayjay.  i told my father don't be jealous..it's all medical.  i even went as far as took photos.  yessireebobber i took photos.  they are on my phone so i am not able to up load them here.

so you're probably thinking...well nanners, that's not THAT bad.
oh sit back and relax.

for about five months now i've been interviewing with this larger company so i can get out of my smaller company that sucks ass.  i have had great interviews time after time.  found out today (not by the company itself) that i didn't get the job.  COME ON  i need a new job.  when i say my current company sucks ass...it really does suck ass.  my orders are placed on hold since invoices have not been paid.  there is no support from the "corporate office" and the owner looks like fat bastard from austin powers.  not that the last point has any merit, but damn its nice to say from time to time.  all the managers are under paid and over worked.  i'm sure it's everywhere.

so your probably still thinking...eh, well you still have a job

true at that.

so my day continues to facebook

can i just say how you have to love facebook. it is a worth of information whether people know it or not. not important information as in world events. i'm speaking of juicy gossip get on the phone right now and share that crap type of information. i admit i am one nosey person. if i come to your house, yes i'll snoop through your medicine cabinet or open drawers. i don't know why i do this except that i'm nosey. i wave my flag proud on this. with that said....

there was this "guy" who was in my life for a period of time several years back. nothing "facebook official" but i thought we had something.  come to find out, that if it isn't facebook official, it's nothing. granted this guy saw every inch of me, but STILL it was nothing...according to him... he moved a couple of states away for a new job (okay he moved across country) after leaving the area i was in.  after arriving, he had this notion that he wanted a relationship. the funny thing is...he didn't think of a relationship with me. when i brought this epiphany to the lime light, he stated how he didn't know he wanted a relationship while in my area. hmm. i didn't know moving thousands of miles aways brings relationships to a better view. okay..whatever. so needless to say it broke my heart knowing that he was in a "facebook official" relationship with another women. it didn't last, and yes i laughed at that fact. now come to find out that he's in yet another relationship. wtf. how did I find out about this relationship? the same way i found out about the other one..snooped on his page. no no no no. i did not hack into his page, but when someone changes their status from single to in a relationship, it's a damn good clue. i'm still waiting for facebook to come up with the status of 

"yes asshole i know i'm single and no it's not by effing choice"

i digress

never live life unnoticed

getting to know you sunday

i'm participating in keely's  weekly questions.  this is my first


Here are the questions:

1. Do you have a fetish? yes...having my nose clean and nothing hanging out.
2. Do you sing in the shower? i do cause i don't have to worry about others putting ears plugs in ( click here to see what i mean)
3. Who was your first crush? my first crush was a boy name jeff (last name is a ketchup) back in the third grade.  i even carved our names into my tree in the front yard.  he moved away and never knew what happened to him. 
4. What do you think is the best manly trait a guy could have? a good hugger.  i love hugs
5. Do you sleep naked? i'm not ashamed to admit it...i do sleep in the nude.
6. What do you do when (you think) no one is looking? when no one is looking (this is gross) but i pick my nose. read #1.
7. What's the first thing you do when you go online? go onto facebook to see what my peeps are saying
8. Summer is.....? summer is bbqs with friends and family, late night drives with the window open, the smell of the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes.  

heart ache

i was hoping for a relaxing weekend with family, but it turns out that i'm sitting home with heart ache.  for many years i have felt like the peace keeper between my family.  this is a lot of burden on someone who only wants everyone to just be happy.  i can't say that other's don't think of my feelsing, but i cannot handle conflict.

thirsty thursday

i'm all about the adult beverages. my mood changes from event to event, but i tend to resort back to my comfort drink which is a malibu bay breeze. it's sooooooooooooooooooo yummy. oh how i could go for one right at this moment. i'm hoping to have a relaxing weekend, but i never know until the time comes. it's typically my weekend off, but i need to put a few hours in on saturday. i was trying to organize a camping trip with my peeps, but it seems that the ball game is more entertaining. so it might be another lonely weekend.

do you ever say

as i was enjoying a nice soak in the tub, i was thinking to myself how i would never let myself get too fat where i can't fit into the tub and safely get out by myself.  it seems i find a new excuse or focus point about how fat i really am not, and fail to find a way to lose this weight.  as in...i won't let myself get as fat as size "x".  or i won't allow myself look that fat.  i laugh at myself cause i am masking the real truth.  i am that fat.   i've started buying clothes in the size i said i would never.   i see pictures of myself and notice see that i have more rolls then the local grocery store.  ugh.  i don't know how to start or even where to begin.  i want to be healthy, not skinny, but healthy.  i don't think anyone really thinks "oh i want to be fat".  i've always been a bigger girl and remember the taunts i would receive when i was younger.  it's not easy trying to lose weight and i'm trying to block out what and how society wants me to look.  every week my mother comes to me with a new diet that she has heard or seen trying to play it off as if it is for her.  give me a break.  i might act stupid, but i am far from it.  my father brought up weight lost surgery out of the blue as i was driving through dunkin donuts.  a) i was flabbergasted and b) yes i did order an extra donut to comfort me.  thank god it was sunny out and that i had sunglasses on so neither one of my parents could see the tears welling up in my eyes.  am i comfortable with myself...yes i am.  i just don't think others are comfortable with me.

simply put...i'm in love with food

does anyone else say these lies to themselves or am i alone in this thought process.

you call that a weekend?????

it's been such a llllloooooonnnnnngggggg weekend.  i was assisting at another unit within my company and well the person i was helping i would like to punch in the face.  he is this 22 year old cry baby.  really he is.  he thinks that just because he had to work some extra hours these last few months that he is some super manager.  reality...he's far from it.  i wanted to leave a pair of pampers on his desk with a little note to say grow up a*(&^le.  oh how i would have loved to do that, but he's not worth my energy.  i know i'm a better professional then he'll ever be.

i would have love to spend my time enjoying the outside.  i need to find some energy.  everyday i feel spent.  no enthusiasm to do anything.  i hope that i can get out of this slump.  ifs frustrating and tiring.  i feel like a blob.  

i'm thinking of quitting my job for a new career

so this past friday i've tried my hand at singing. it was a good time had by all, except those who had to listen to me sing.  take a gander.

a couple days have past

since i wrote last.  i've had a couple busy days and lazy ones with that. spent the weekend with the parental units and did a little shopping.  took my mom to lunch on saturday since sunday would have been wicked crowded.  this way i knew we would have good service and special attention.  i hope she had a good weekend, i never know.  this is one woman who can never make up her mind about anything.  it gets frustrating at times.  i don't think she knows what she wants.  how do you deal with that.  my father asked me late last night if i thought my mother had a nice mother day.  i don't know.  i can't help someone who does not know themself what  they want.  don't get my wrong, i love my mother from here to the moon, but she is one who can drive me up the wall.  at times i feel like i have to ensure that my parents are happy and entertain.  and they wonder why i'm single.  i feel like i would be shunning them if i did spend time with a man.  i feel obligated to spend my days off with them when all i really want to do is sleep.  i guess i need to find a man first.  am i alone in this thinking.

mother of mine

i am blessed to have a beautiful, talented, caring, giving, amazing, patient, extraordinary, hands down simply the best mother (no matter what my sister says) known to me.  i know i know.  i'm not bias, but am very thankful for this woman who brought me into this world.  i know it hasn't been an easy road she has taken.  she has given herself to numerous amount people without asking for anything.

 i have no words to describe her strength and courage that i have seen in my thirty some years.  as i have grown older, i want to turn back time to remove any and all pain that she has gone through.  at times i feel i am the parent and want to shelter her from the evils of the world.  even to this day, i hate to see when she is stressed from work, had her feelings hurt, disappointed by others or simply in pain.

these last two years she has gone through a tremendous amount of physical challenges from being attacked by a dog, a broken pelvis, a vicious infection and now some heart problems.  and no matter what i'm doing or where i'm at, she's always taking care of me or my father or my sister.  i admit, and am not ashamed to do so, in saying how i speak with my mother at least once a day if not more.  last summer i taught her how to text.  she is now a texting fool.  it's nice to receive a early morning text from my momma letting me know to have a good day and that she loves me.

i only wish that i can be half the woman she is when i grow up.

my heart...my life...my mother

a sad saturday night

so it's saturday night and here i am laying in bed...alone.  how sad is this.  i've noticed that as i have become older, that its hard to meet men of substance.  this evening i had a guy ask me to "hang out".  sure, i said, where would you like to go.  he didn't know.  come to find out he wanted to "hang out" at his place. now i know i'm no dummy, but that's just asking for one thing.  so i politely told him another time.  that is soooo frustrating.  men only seeking a quick fix.  is it me????  dating has become exhausting.  i want to wear a sign that says, caution...i can have an intelligent conversation.  the last few years i've met some real crazies.  some who haven't grown up and probably won't before they die.  some who are more lost then waldo and they cannot even find themselves. i just want to yell and scream.  i've tried those dating sites.  yes all of them, with no luck.  again i feel men use those for a outlet to get laid.  ugh.  now don't get me wrong.  nanner has needs, but nanner is looking for more then just a wham bam thank you mame type of guy.  are they still out there?  or, are there any left?  please send them my way.