do you ever say

as i was enjoying a nice soak in the tub, i was thinking to myself how i would never let myself get too fat where i can't fit into the tub and safely get out by myself.  it seems i find a new excuse or focus point about how fat i really am not, and fail to find a way to lose this weight.  as in...i won't let myself get as fat as size "x".  or i won't allow myself look that fat.  i laugh at myself cause i am masking the real truth.  i am that fat.   i've started buying clothes in the size i said i would never.   i see pictures of myself and notice see that i have more rolls then the local grocery store.  ugh.  i don't know how to start or even where to begin.  i want to be healthy, not skinny, but healthy.  i don't think anyone really thinks "oh i want to be fat".  i've always been a bigger girl and remember the taunts i would receive when i was younger.  it's not easy trying to lose weight and i'm trying to block out what and how society wants me to look.  every week my mother comes to me with a new diet that she has heard or seen trying to play it off as if it is for her.  give me a break.  i might act stupid, but i am far from it.  my father brought up weight lost surgery out of the blue as i was driving through dunkin donuts.  a) i was flabbergasted and b) yes i did order an extra donut to comfort me.  thank god it was sunny out and that i had sunglasses on so neither one of my parents could see the tears welling up in my eyes.  am i comfortable with myself...yes i am.  i just don't think others are comfortable with me.

simply put...i'm in love with food

does anyone else say these lies to themselves or am i alone in this thought process.