daddy

well it's been a long time.  i know i know.  sooooo much has been going on in my life, i just don't know where to start.  i guess i'll start at the beginning.....

i landed a new job.  that's right.  back in may i started with a new company which allows me to work monday through friday.  NO WEEKENDS AND NO HOLIDAYS.  i haven't had that in such a long time.  i thought..."how could i get so lucky?"..well my luck changed.  six weeks after started said new job, the company had a revamp in management.  i was offered a job overseeing charter schools within the philadelphia area.  AND I LOVE IT.  i make up my own schedule persay.  today i was working from home for the very first time and how nice was it to take a break and actually take a nap.  hee hee...don't tell my boss.  i love seeing the kids and making their days a little brighter.

then the worse thing i could think of happened....a family member becomes ill.  this is not just the run of the mill sickness, take a few pills and call me in the morning.  no this is the big "C" word.  i still have trouble saying it. can...yeah I can't say it.  i'm afraid that if i say it...that it will become real.  the sad part is, it is real.  my father has cancer.  cancer.  cancer.  amazing how six letters placed in a specific way can change your life forever.  i have so many emotions running through me on any given day it's amazing.  sadness, loneliness, guilt, pitty, anger, rage, helplessness, scared and most of all heartbroken.  i'm to the point that i'm not certain what to say when others approach me and ask how i am.  all i can say if fine, but that is far from the truth.  this is my daddy.  he's my rock.  i need him even at the age of 36.  i just want to run away and escape from reality...forget any of this is happening.  i feel i cannot enjoy life since he cannot enjoy life..

my daddy has cancer

why

i ask myself this all the time.  why i put myself out there.  give myself to others.  hurt like i do.  once again i have my heart broken.  i guess it's really not my heart, but my desire and hope that is broken.  will it ever become easier?  i don't feel it does with age, it hurts more now then it did 15 years ago.  do you ever wonder if it is ever in the cards for you.  maybe you are not meant to be.  i just have this open hole and i need it filled, but cannot seem to find the person to fill it.

what more can a girl ask for

you have those days where you feel like you are not appreciated.  feel like you are just another face in the crowd.  this past weekend i did not feel like a face in the crowd.  this past weekend i felt truly love and blessed.  

this past weekend i thew a house warming party.  just a little get together for my friends and family to see my new diggs and an excuse for us all to get together since we all have been so busy.  one by one my guest were welcomed in to my home with open arms.

to my surprised they filled my heart with love and hands with gifts.  gifts???  yes gifts.  hosting this party i never imagine anyone would be coming in tow with a gift for my home.

needless to say..i'm am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. so it was no surprised to anyone to see the gratitude i had 

what i did to deserve any of this is beyond me.  

but i'm truly blessed

home

i'm sooo bad.  life has been whipping by me before i have time to wipe the dirty off of my face.  i've been trying to get settled into the new home.

it has been sooo overwhelming, but a good overwhelming.  i've been able to get some things done

but i love being a home owner.

a home of my own

as of 10/22/2010 i am officially a home owner.  i can't explain all the emotions that went into this purchase. it has been a long time coming.  after settlement i was driving and crying thinking how blessed i am to have this opportunity to own a home where so many in this country cannot even imagine it.  truly i am blessed.  i have fantastic parents who have been right there beside my side during the time.  my supportive friends who i don't know what i would do without them.  

i'm ready to make many memories in my new home

sorry sorry sorry

i have been m.i.a.  i have to say i've had a busy couple of months.  i am happy to announce that come 10/22 i will be a first time home owner.  that still sounds so strange.  a home owner.  reality hasn't sunk in as of yet.  i haven't started freaking out yet.  ask me come december when i have to make my first mortgage  payment.  (i'm grinning while typing mortgage payment).

i have to say that i have the most amazing parents that any child could have.  they truly do help make my dreams come true.  that have been by my side all through this process and i don't know what i would have done without them.  i hope that i am even half of a parent as they are.  they do not believe that parenting ends when a child turns 18.  the funny thing is...my house is about four houses away from my parents.  i've starting listing ground rules down for my father.  1) no late night walks  2) don't ask who's car is in my driveway 3) don't ask why that car from last night is still in my driveway come the morning 4) no binoculars 5) if another car is in my driveway...its safe to assume i'm not alone 6) my days off are for sleeping in...no coming over to tinker in my yard prior to 10am.  we'll see how these rules work.

i also have to say that i have the most amazing realtor.  i can't believe how lucky i am to have this person.  if anyone is in search of a home in south jersey...let me recommend this lady.  she is amazing.  she follows up with me to make sure i'm comfortable with everything.  she was so understanding during my hunt and never once pressured me into a home or added her opinion unlike others that i have used.  simply simply amazing.  all i have left to find in my life is a companion.

i have to laugh when i think of the movie "he's just not into you"  yeah that's my life and i have to remind myself that each day.  one day.  i know one day.

i feel so deflated at this moment.  when i think everything is going well, something comes up to pop my bubble.  i feel like i can never get a head.