such a sad day

today, several of my dear friends lost their father to cancer.  i didn't know their father as well, but have became close to his children.  he's a father of eight children who all have such unique personalities.  two are in law enforcement, one is a marine, two are in healthcare, another in child care and two, i'm not sure what they do.

his one daughter is set to get married in less then three weeks.  i can't imagine her emotions right now.  i know she, as well as the rest of the family, is relieved that he is out of pain.  on the other hand, every girl dreams of her father walking her down the isle.  i know this is one dream of mine.  call me old fashion.  i've been thinking of my own parents and what i would do if i wasn't able to talk to one of them in person anymore.  i seriously would have to be committed.  maybe not for long, but for a short bit.  i have made them my life as others would make their spouse or children theirs.  i haven't found the loml nor do i have children.

a few years back i had my scare with my own father.  he had a small stroke.  it scared the bejesus out of me.  not knowing what was happening.  how he would be.  i was soooo scared to think my father would not be the same.  he came through it as well as one can.  no real side effects.  i still think his memory is not as well as it once was, but that could also be of old age.

life is so precious and we make the best out of it.  the following picture was actually taken today not knowing that my friends father was going to pass.  the man below allows me to be the woman i am today and i am eternally grateful for that.

my poppy and i

the new job

so on the 16th of this month, i started a new job.  same field...different company.  so far i am really enjoying the people i work with.  it's a lot less stress for me which i think i need at this point in my life.  there is soooooooo much i am trying to accomplish in my life to feel like an adult.  when i mentioned this to my doctor, she asked what those goals where.  they are as followed.....

1. get a new job (check)
2. purchase my first home (banging my head against the wall on this one)
3. find the love of my life (banging my head even harder against the wall on this one)

i guess part of me is waiting for the switch from young adult to mature adult to flip.  i guess it doesn't help that i'm googling over a 23 year old.  not that he acts childish, but i'm sure others cringe at this thought that this thirty coughfivecough is interested in this young man.  who the eff cares.  he is simply adorable and funny and sexy.  i'm sure he knows i'm crushing on him, but i'm toooooo scared to ask if he knows.

i'm sure my doctor wanted to add a number four to my list which would be to lose weight.  i whole heartily agree with her, but cannot find my motivation.  i think feel it, but it's not quite there.  if i could lost just twenty pounds right now i know i can continue to lose more.  i need someone to help me.  i admit it...i need help.  

i am torn

i am torn between what is right, what is socially acceptable and how i feel.  i am smitten with this young man who happens to be just that...young.  he's 12 years my junior and at times i can hear that song mrs. robinson playing in my head.  granted i don't know what or how he thinks of me, but i find myself thinking of him.  granted we are in two different places in our lives, but there is not that large of a gap.


oh what to do

if you really knew me

so my girl brittany had done this and i thought it would be fun....

if you really knew me...

*you would know that i was born in jersey but grew up in iowa.


*you would know that i feel like i've past the loml


*you would know that i look innocent, but really am not


*you would know that i will never live on a second floor of an apartment building


*you would know i love my friends as much as i love my family


*you would know that i'm secretly lonely


*you would know that i feel like the peacekeeper of my family


*you would know that i have a secret crush on a boy 12 years my junior


*you would know that i'm slipping away from my oldest friend


*you would know that i desperately want children

i give up

i cannot understand men.

is there

someone for everyone??  i'm starting to question this.  also is age really important?  how did life become so complicated.  i want answer and i want them now.  i want to see into the future.  is it bright for me.  am i happy.  i realize that these are answers only i can answer or never will know the answer to.  i just want to know.  is that wrong.  if these questions do not have the answers i'm looking for i want to change it so that they will be.  i want to know the feeling of being in love.  to love and to be loved.

i quit

so on monday of this week, i submitted my resignation.  this has been a long time coming.  i've mentioned from time to time how i work for a shitty ass company.  really i do.  so when my coo asked to speak with me on monday, i really was thinking it would be more of getting to know whats been wrong and how they can fix it.  how wrong i was.

i sat in this meeting for an hour and half leaving with me shaking my head.  i explained to my coo how disappointed i was in the company.  how for three months i worked with one day off a week and to even get that day off, i had to find someone to cover for me.  i explained how i had placed my life on hold for this company, not able to make plans within my personal life since i never knew when i would have a day off.  work for a company for two and half years with no performance review or increase.  in turn i was told how i was an inexperience manager, over my head and was the reason of losing a contract.  WOW really????  then in the next breath this person would tell me how she hasn't had a problem with my account and doesn't want to lose me as a manager.

i just know that i am leaving with my head held high.  knowing that i WAS/AM an experience, talented, dedicated, ambitious, driven, hard working, fair manager.  don't you dare, ms coo, think you can beat me down cause what you just did was built me up to laugh as you lose another account due to me...from leaving.

do you believe?

if you could speak with a family member/friend/lover that has passed..who would it be?  do you believe in mediums???

at first i had my doubts of mediums and their skills.....that was until this evening.  my cousin had a medium over her house this evening who channeled our grandmother.  my cuz called me this evening to tell me that our grandmother was asking for me.  i can't tell you how this send shivers down my spine.  this is the grandmother who i was not close to.  i've always had this feeling that she disliked me and how if i had the chance to speak with anyone that had passed, it would be her.  of course this would be something normal a grandmother would do, but then the story gets even more interesting.  she had mentioned my mother.  the medium called my mother by her "nickname" then her full name.  he stated that my grandmother knew my mother was the one and how she's worried about my mother's headaches and stress.  many in my family does not know this (not even my sister) that my father was married once before.  it was a very short marriage.  along with that, two hours prior to my cuz calling me, i was arguing with my mother regarding meds her doctor gave her regarding her stress.  my mother just found out today that she will be going to 12 hour shifts and stated how she's stressing about it.  i don't know if this is coincidence or not, but it sure does make me believe that my grandmother is around as well as others.  and what put the icing on the cake...the medium repeated a common phrase my grandmother would say. if we were about to go somewhere she would always say"i'm coming i'm coming i just need to put my shoes on".

have you ever made a dicision and just know it's for the best.  that's how i feel.  come the 16th of this month, i will be starting a new job.  i'm very excited for several reasons....

1. it will give me more of a life
2. better pay
3. better benefits
4. less responsiblity

i'm sooo very excited and i hope that this will be the best thing for me

so its the end has come

after two and a half years, i have decided to leave my current company.  this is a good thing.  a real good thing.  this last year and a half i have been under utilized as a manager, employee and as a person.  i have been used and abused.  its time for nanners to think of nanners.  i'm excited to start my new adventure.