May 19, 2010

do you ever say

as i was enjoying a nice soak in the tub, i was thinking to myself how i would never let myself get too fat where i can't fit into the tub and safely get out by myself.  it seems i find a new excuse or focus point about how fat i really am not, and fail to find a way to lose this weight.  as in...i won't let myself get as fat as size "x".  or i won't allow myself look that fat.  i laugh at myself cause i am masking the real truth.  i am that fat.   i've started buying clothes in the size i said i would never.   i see pictures of myself and notice see that i have more rolls then the local grocery store.  ugh.  i don't know how to start or even where to begin.  i want to be healthy, not skinny, but healthy.  i don't think anyone really thinks "oh i want to be fat".  i've always been a bigger girl and remember the taunts i would receive when i was younger.  it's not easy trying to lose weight and i'm trying to block out what and how society wants me to look.  every week my mother comes to me with a new diet that she has heard or seen trying to play it off as if it is for her.  give me a break.  i might act stupid, but i am far from it.  my father brought up weight lost surgery out of the blue as i was driving through dunkin donuts.  a) i was flabbergasted and b) yes i did order an extra donut to comfort me.  thank god it was sunny out and that i had sunglasses on so neither one of my parents could see the tears welling up in my eyes.  am i comfortable with myself...yes i am.  i just don't think others are comfortable with me.

simply put...i'm in love with food

does anyone else say these lies to themselves or am i alone in this thought process.


Brittany said...

I think you are incredibly brave for writing this post. I also think you need to know how beautiful you are.

If you think that you need to lose weight.. then lose weight. Just do it! No one can make the decision, but you. I learned that. No "I'll diet on monday." You start from that very second. You cant change what you ate the day before. You can't change that you "havent" been working out.. but you can change the future. I loved that I could take control of my life from that very second. Its empowering.

Now on to your parents. I am sure they mean well. I am sure they are really trying to be helpful... but those comments aren't going to help. They hurt. bad. I think you need to let them know that. Tell them that you'll come to them when and if you're ready to talk about this. In the mean time, its your body. They can change their own, but they can't change yours!

Sweetie, no matter what never let anyone else make you feel bad about yourself. You are beautiful, smart, well spoken, and kind. Those are traits that I don't see very often. I'd rather be happy and curvy then a skinny bitch any day! :)

(sorry that comments was rediculously long... I JUST FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!)

nanner said...

awwwwww...brit i have a tear in my eye. thank you for such kinds words. i don't think that others realize that its hard to lose weight. i can't just stop putting food in my mouth. yesterday on the way home all i could think about is taco bell and their $2 deal. of course i did stop and get it with a diet coke. i'm sure the young boy though i was stupid for the diet soda, but eff him. it was tasty, but i had regrets later...and then i masked it with chocolate.